What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is all about the beliefs we have about ourselves. If we have a negative view of ourselves we will focus on our weaknesses and mistakes; this is low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem often dwell on things that have not gone well, and blame themselves.

People with good self-esteem have a more positive outlook. Whilst they still make mistakes and experience difficulties, they can cope with this as they can recognise their own good points and strengths.

Low self-esteem

People who went through difficult life experiences as children can grow up with low self-esteem. They may have been bullied, treated badly by parents or teachers, or criticised by peers and adults. Adults’ self-esteem can be affected by stressful life events such as redundancy or abusive relationships.

Feelings associated with low self-esteem can include guilt, shame, sadness, anxiety and frustration. Many people with low self-esteem spend a lot of time worrying and being self-critical, having thoughts such as ‘I’m useless, I’m a failure, I’m stupid’. All of this can lead to things like avoiding family and friends, reduced performance at work or school, getting angry with other people and being shy or passive.

Lots of people will have been taught that talking about their good points and achievements is basically ‘showing off’, and so they keep quiet or discount these things.

Good self-esteem

People with a more balanced self-esteem may have experienced less negative life events. They may have had parents and friends who weren’t overly critical for example. People who haven’t constantly been ‘put down’ will have enough confidence to say what they want to say and pursue their goals. When they need to solve problems they find this easier because they have more of a belief that they will do the right thing, but they also recognise and are comfortable with their own limitations.

Personal Experience

Self-esteem relates to the value an individual places on his or her sense of worth. It has been linked to certain outcomes, for example, subjective happiness, achievements in work and education, and positive relationships with others. Someone who has high levels of self-esteem believes themselves to be competent at what they do, feels worthy as an individual, and will take pride in any achievements. However, someone who has low self-esteem may feel that they have little value as a human, feel overly critical about anything they do, or may be overly-reliant on praise or approval from others.

My sense of self-esteem has changed in response to life events. I have had higher levels of self-esteem when I have achieved things to be proud of – for example, when I passed my driving test, when I finished my degree, or when I won a photography competition. However, for much of my life I have struggled with low self-esteem, particularly if I feel I have failed at something, or not done as well as I’d hoped. This has been particularly challenging when I had previously ‘built up my hopes’ over something. For example, during my first driving test I felt I had done everything well – at the end of the test I was fairly confident of passing, so to be told that I had failed was a massive blow to me.

Having low self-esteem has also made me less willing to be assertive.

Having low self-esteem has also made me less willing to be assertive even if I feel that I have a justifiable reason to complain about something. This is because sometimes I feel that I lack the confidence to argue my case, and generally feel the need to please others rather than nurture my own needs and wants. Having poor self-esteem has impacted on various aspects of my life, and has led to me adopting some negative coping strategies such as the use of alcohol and by directly avoiding any situations that could further damage my self-esteem.

I have always been fearful of any form of criticism, which I almost feel to be a form of personal attack. Common to many others with self-esteem issues, I dwell on or exaggerate any past mistakes, and see temporary setbacks as being long-term issues. My self-esteem is also not helped by societal and government rhetoric. I rely on benefits at present. However, there is often the view that anyone who is not a taxpayer in full-time employment is somehow a lesser citizen or even a ‘scrounger’.

I still have issues with low self-esteem today.

While I still have issues with low self-esteem today, I have found a number of strategies to be helpful. Firstly, I believe that self-esteem is inextricably linked with low mood, depression and anxiety. Lifestyle changes such as regular sleep, good diet, avoidance of alcohol, and exercise, can indirectly lead to better self-esteem.

Other strategies I have adopted include trying to focus on all the positive things I have achieved, and by attempting things in small steps to minimise the chance of failure. For example, walking before I can run. One useful strategy is to think about how I would treat others in a similar situation to my own. This is because many people with low self-esteem are more critical of themselves than others like them. Taking such a step back made me realise that I often judge myself harshly. As a consequence I have become much more accepting of myself.

Self-esteem in young people

We all want our children to feel good about themselves and have confidence in their abilities. Helping young people develop good self-esteem can strengthen their resilience and ability to manage and overcome challenging situations.

Self-esteem is something that develops over a period of time and is influenced by many different things. For example, family, friends, relationships, personality, media, and the environment.  Self-esteem is reflected in the thoughts and feelings we have about ourselves, how we feel about the person that we are and how much value and worth we feel we have.

What is good self-esteem?

Having good self-esteem means feeling good about the qualities we have and accepting our limitations.

A young person with good self-esteem is more likely to have an optimistic outlook. They think of themselves in positive ways and feel confident in their abilities to manage and overcome difficult situations.

Self-esteem can fluctuate if we are experiencing challenging and stressful situations. or example, starting a new school, experiencing difficult relationships with friends and family, exam stress, or conflict at home.

Young people with high self-esteem generally:

• Think about themselves positively.
• Find it easy to make friends.
• Manage new situations and adapt easily.
• Feel good about their achievements.
• Learn from their mistakes.
• Feel confident about their abilities.

What can affect a young person’s self-esteem?

Many factors can impact on a young person’s self-esteem and will differ for each person. Self-esteem can be heavily influenced by the way other people treat and see us. A positive experience of interacting with others can help develop a positive self-image. A negative interaction can adversely impact the opinions that young people have of themselves. Parents and carers have a vital role in helping children to develop good self-esteem. This is because parents and carers are the people who most often interact with their children.

If a young person has low self-esteem they might:

• Have negative beliefs about themselves.
• Tend to focus on their mistakes.
• Find it difficult to see their positive qualities.
• Blame themselves for things that happen.
• Have negative thoughts, such as ‘I’m not good enough’.

Other influences on self-esteem

Body image

During the teenage years the impact of body image on self-esteem can be powerful. It is not uncommon to have negative thoughts every now and again about our bodies, but finding ways to have a positive body image is important for good self-esteem. Read more about body image at the Children’s Society.

Social media

Social media can be a great place for young people. They can keep in touch with friends and family, learn new things, explore interests and share important news and events.

For some young people the value of the feedback related to followers, comments and likes, can be very powerful. This can either have a positive effect on self-esteem or a negative one. Read more about the impact of social media at Dove.

Family difficulties and relationships

Difficulties and stress within the family can have a detrimental impact on esteem. For example, bereavement, divorce, family conflict, and serious illness can read more about this on the YoungMinds website.

Video

Looked after children may face particularly difficult issues with self-esteem; listen to these carers discussing some of these.

What can I do to help?

Having healthy self-esteem is important for young people’s mental health and wellbeing. Someone experiencing low self-esteem may be at more risk of developing things like anxiety or depression.

Some things you could do to help your child with having more positive self-esteem include:

• Be positive about your child. Show them love and support, pointing out their positive qualities.
• Model good coping skills; show a positive attitude when managing difficult situations.
• Praise effort and attempts to try something new.
• Encourage them to take small steps towards a bigger challenge.
• Encourage them to share their opinions and thoughts, show them their opinions are valued.
• Give the message that it’s ok to get things wrong, encourage them to learn from mistakes. Ask ‘what could you do differently next time?’
• Gently challenge their negative self-talk, encourage more positive language.
• Encourage interests and talents.
• Consider group activities or clubs.
• Ensure care is taken of their physical health, encourage your child to keep active and eat a well-balanced diet.
• Help to foster your child’s independence.

Supporting somebody with low self-esteem

There are a number of things you can do to help a friend or family member have better self-esteem. It’s important to remember to be patient with your loved one. They will usually view themselves in a different light to how you see them. They will focus on their ‘negatives’, whereas you will be able to see their strengths.

Things you can do to help

• If you need help or advice, ask your loved one so that they feel needed. Helping others can be a real boost for self-esteem.
• Remind them of their strengths and things they are good at.
• Show understanding and empathy.
• Reassure your loved one that you want to help them to feel good and happy within their own body.
• Encourage them to exercise, as this releases endorphins, or ‘feel-good’ hormones
• Write a list together of their positives.

A lot of people find that becoming more aware of their thoughts can help. They can then work out which thoughts are helping them and which are making things more difficult. For example, after making a mistake. Rather than just thinking:

‘I’m useless, I’m giving up’.

You could instead think ‘Okay, so I didn’t get it right this time, so I’ll do it differently next time’.

Low self-esteem can be very deeply rooted. It takes o do this, but it’s worth trying and practicing. 

Remembering times when things did go well, and writing these down, can be a reminder of skills and strengths.

Comparing ourselves to others is unhelpful. This is because most people will see themselves as ‘less’ than the person they are comparing themselves to. Good self-esteem involves accepting our good and bad points.